So... we had a meeting today and the decision was made that this was taking entirely too long to figure out, especially considering how many tutorials I found, guides I checked out... I even went as far as to find a link which was designed to build an unattend.xml file based on a questionaire, to which it also failed when implemented in Vista.
On a hunch, my boss suggested I put XP on and install the Vista chipset driver anyway and see if it runs. Surprisingly, it ran great. The only trick was it didn't install the graphics card driver with it too, but since it's a standard Nvidia 9200, it was easy enough to track down. All of the other hardware had native XP drivers (Realtek Audio, Broadcom NIC, etc... ) I'm currently running the system on XP Pro SP3 with everything installed. I still have a yellow splat from an "unknown device" which I'm almost positive it's one of 2 things: Either A - it's the touch-sensitive eject button, which means nothing to us since we'll be placing a 3rd party eject application in the quick launch... or B - it's the integrated SD card reader, which I don't think elementary students will be using anyway.
I'll continue to work on Vista to figure out these profiles until next summer when we are supposedly moving to Windows 7. But for the time being, this solution works, and surprisingly, it works **** good.
I'm still interested in hearing if anybody else out there is mass deploying Vista, because this issue isn't necessary resolved... it's just being worked around for the time being. Thanks everyone for the help I've gotten thus far.