How to write a newbie post

ComatoseClown · 01-06-2005, 09:20 PM

How to Write a Newbie Post
... that will make everyone ignore you.

In reading this forum for some time I am amazed at how many poorly written messages are posted every day. So many people just post vague, rambling questions that do precious little but raise more questions from everyone else as they try to figure out what the person is talking about.

If you want to make sure that people will take little interest in your problem then here is a list of things you can do to create a post that will make everyone ignore you.

1.) A **** Poor Subject Line

If you want people to not take any active interest in helping you to resolve your problem then make sure to have a subject line that contains no information about your problem at all. It is best to just put in expressions of disdain or curses to explain how frustrated with your PC you are.

Examples:

Quote:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGHHHHH!
Help!
Noob Needs Help!
I Think I Messed Up!
Question?
Problem

2.) Make Outrageous and Desperate Demands

Nothing goes over better than

Example:

Quote:

Topic: PC Its Broken Help Quick Plz!!!!!!!1!1
Subject: i need to use my PC and it wont boot up plz help me quick i want to play counterstrike with my buddy!!!

3.) Post a Nebulous Question

This is a sure fire way to make people to make the next poster have to ask you at least three more questions before your question can be addressed at all.

Example:

Quote:

i have a old pc and 128meg ram can i play Doom 3?

4.)Bump Your Message Every Ten Minutes

If you write a question and it doesn't get an immediate response try bumping it out of frustration after a ridiculously short period of time. Rather than searching of rewording your post try just bumping it every ten minutes and your post will most certainly go unanswered. To make matters even worse simply post the word "bump" each time with a . That'll be sure to ruffle some feathers.

5.) Ask a Question Without Trying to Figure it Out On Your Own

Have a Question? Don't bother searching, no matter how basic it is. Why do the slightest amount of searching on this site or on Google when you could just post a really easy question and then sit back and wait like some sort of King as your loyal subjects do all the work for you and bring the answers to your regal feet.

Example:
[QUOTE]Where are the screws to open the pc case?{/QUOTE]

6.) Be Really Insulting When Someone Doesn't Instantly Solve Your Problem

Nothing is surer to get your problem unresolved than being really insulting to the people that are trying to help you. At the first sign of help make sure to bite the hand that feeds you by lashing out and attacking.

7.) Ask a Question That Has Been Answered at Least 1,000 Times

Example:

Quote:

i have AOL but when i try to load it up it freezes plz hlp

8.) Be Really Obvious About Pirating Software

Example:

Quote:

i have found photoshop cs.zip on kazaa how do i get it on my computer/install it?

9.) Use the Word "Gay" To Describe Everything

Just call your problems "gay". It's a definite way to make all your problems go away!

Example:

Quote:

Topic: I Hate My Gay *** computer
Subject: my gay *** computer wont boot!!!! whjy is it bein so homosxual? what do i do?!?!

10.) Pretend that Google Doesn't Exist

If someone posts an answer to your question that involves a term that you don't know about then don't even bother going to Google to find a very simple explanation to your question. Why do that when it's so much easier to have someone spoon feed you all the information?

Example:

Quote:

i heard im supposed to unrar this file what is unrar?

11.) Post in the Wrong Forum

This is quite simple. Have a Question about backing up a CD? Try posting it in the games forum. Have a question about flashing your BIOS? Post it in audio multimedia section. Finding the least appropriate forum for any given question will be sure to annoy admins, moderators and posters alike!

So that's it. It's as simple as that. If you want to write a post that will annoy everyone on the Tech-Forums, just be sure to follow these simple steps and you'll be sure to be ignored.