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Don't make it sound like I've no clue as to what I'm doing,
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Well, for this particular task you dont. You said it yourself, it's not a common occurence. Beyond that, you're talking about it "Registering" or being noticed by the computer which doesn't happen with speakers, which is another reason you got the response you did. A "black and red thing" isn't very descriptive in reference to the plug. Is it an RCA connection?
Most woofers are using RCA and if that's the case then you'd need something like this:
http://www.ramelectronics.net/html/adapters-rca-14.html
For the computer though you'd need a 1/8" jack not 1/4" actually. I believe the black output is normally for the subwoofer, the green is for your normal left and right and whatnot and the beige is center........I BELIEVE that's how it goes anyway so you should check with the manual first I suppose.